I celebrated my birthday this week. This was the best week I had all year, so far. I stayed at the Mandarin Oriental, which was a crazy thing. The hot tub didn’t work, I didn’t let it ruin my day. I ended up getting a voucher for the next time and also left with a gift. The last time I was there, I remember I got a massage and I was fighting intrusive thoughts as if I didn’t belong there. This time around, I noticed I had to make this mine and a place in which I belonged. I was at peace, and it felt serene. In this moment I noticed that I had to be hypervigilant about maintaining my happiness and peace. This type of peace of mind and comfort is something that I think is worth fighting for. No, this isn’t just about the amenities and the five-star hotel experience, it’s about the climate I choose for my life. The type of thoughts and experiences I want to be a part of my body’s natural homeostasis. I know the word hypervigilant can be seen as the extreme end of things, but sometimes when the thoughts are intrusive, and everything feels like it’s against you, that exert of passion and energy is the only thing that could save you. I don’t want to live in survival mode anymore and I notice that it is one of the only tools that I know how to use, and in some inverted way, I can use this tool to get me out of this state. I have to have faith and unconditional support in this journey.
Rest
One thing that was a common theme for this week was rest. I look at myself and the last seven years have aged me. I am losing my hair and getting grays, my skin and face are starting to look as tired as my mental health feels. I have been sweating profusely whenever I go out and dance for more than like 5 minutes. I feel that the life has been sucked out of me, and the my ambition and hyperdepence has failed me. I’m happy that I noticed that I failed, and the way I look right now is a disposition of that failure. This has nothing to do with vanity and more to do with the philosophy of my life and the current state of my health. I noticed that I also have to be hypervigilant about taking care of myself. Now that I am older, this is a nonnegotiable. I am mentally and physically exhausted, this is why I am moving back home. I am also practicing resting. Now that I have the time off, I want to get good rest both physically and mentally. This new era my biggest flex will probably be my health. Now my goal is to look as healthy as ever and naked on a beach within a year. Let’s GOOOOO!
